P.S., these wispy-haired troll-inspired mascots are creepy.
Fashionable but Flawed
France: After a
shambolic World Cup in 2010, Les Bleus
have lately shown improvement under manager and former star Laurent Blanc. While there is undeniable talent in the likes
of Karim Benzema, Samir Nasri, Hatem ben Arfa, and Gael Clichy, France are
still prone to the Dutch habit of destroying themselves from within.
Players like Franck Ribery and Patrice Evra, who led the
revolt against former coach Raymond Domenech in South Africa, could potentially
once again prove a catalyst for locker room unrest and on-field mediocrity.
On the other hand, France does have the talent and depth to
make a run should they get themselves into a groove in the group stage:
England, Sweden, and hosts Ukraine are their opponents. In addition to their relatively kind group
draw, they’ve had a good build-up to the tournament in that they’ve improved
each game, culminating with a comprehensive 4-0 thrashing of Estonia.
Good performances breed good team spirit, so while you never
really know what you’re going to get with the French, don’t sleep on them. Recommended for malcontents, romantics, and
other emotional decision makers.
Italy: The Azzurri
have had a rough half decade of decline.
After winning the World Cup in 2006, the Italians were bounced from the
2008 Euros in the quarterfinals by eventual champions Spain. In South Africa, they failed to get out of
the group stage, finishing last in Group F and producing the shock result of
the round: a 1-1 draw with New Zealand, a team featuring players who needed to
take time off from work to attend the tournament.
While one can’t ignore the pedigree (four times world
champions) and the talent, there are a few too many question marks surrounding
their aging squad to call them true contenders. In their final warm-up match before the Euros, the Italians were soundly thumped 3-0 by the Russians. Given that the Italians are known for their defense, the loss was a worrying one. As if fitness and performance weren’t big enough issues, an added distraction in the
form of a match-fixing scandal has broken recently and caused the withdrawal of
one of their starting defenders.
The good news: the last time match-fixing was brought to light in the Italian league was 2006, shortly before they lifted the World Cup. Recommended for lovers of pitchers’ duels, 6-0 American football scores, and other “purists.”
Portugal: “All
flash and no substance” is probably a bit of an overused cliché, and in the
case of the Portuguese not necessarily a fair one, the nation having qualified
for every major tournament since 2000 and having made it beyond the group
stages in each of those except the 2002 World Cup in Japan and South Korea (where
they finished third behind the hosts and the United States of Awesome).
Boasting three time Second Best Player in the World (and one
time Balon d’ Or and FIFA World Player of the Year winner) Cristiano Ronaldo as
well as stars like Nani, Raul Meireles, Pepe, and Fabio Coentrao, there is
plenty of flair in the team.
Unfortunately, the Portuguese are also the main perpetrators of that
element of the beautiful game which Americans find most detestable: they
dive.
They also play the Iberian game-within-a-game of whining to
the officials and baiting the other team into cheap fouls, at which point they
will dive again. Their football is
glorious, but the other stuff is too disgusting to ignore. Recommended for fans of Rucker Park-style
basketball and admirers of preposterous hair.
England: England's entire squad, all 23 players, play for domestic teams (the only team in the tournament for which this is true). 22 out of 23 play in the English Premier League.
Whether or not you subscribe to the belief that it is the best league in
the world, it is without a doubt the most popular. I know this because I have watched the famous
Manchester United in bars on beaches in far distant lands where the next most
popular sport was a form of bamboo stick fighting that always seemed to end in blood and tears...but I digress: the EPL is huge, and so are the players.
At this point, I think it's necessary for me to advance the following: I know more
about this league, and consequentially the English national side, than I do
about even the United States’ squad. Since my knowledge in this particular area far
exceeds that of any of the other participants in the tournament, I could, in
fact, write an extremely long post about England and their chances and all the
trials and tribulations they have endured in the build-up to the Euros. I am not going to do that. The sources for such insight are legion.
Instead, here is my summary (please follow the links if you
wish to know more) of why the Three Lions will not win: England’s players enjoy
an extremely high profile due to the domestic league; they are coddled, self-important,and treacherous; the media pressure on the coaching staff is absurd and so unbelievably influential that it beggars belief; due to
injuries, age, and politics, England will not have their best 23 players
representing them at this tournament; even if they had their best 23 players,
they would still be the second best team in their group and probably the sixth
or seventh best in the tournament.
Because of all this, England will not win.
Now, having said all of that, there is reason to support
them anyway: they will be the best-documented
team at the tournament (in the English language, anyway). There will be easy-to-follow coverage of
their endeavors from multiple sources in the mainstream media, the blogosphere,
and beyond. In short, this is the team
that, in a few short weeks, you will find it the easiest to get to know. A little insight makes a big difference when
you’re looking for someone to cheer for, especially if it’s an unfamiliar
sport.
One final thought before I cut off this overly-long blurb:
at Euro 2004, Greece were 150:1 underdogs to lift the trophy. They played the ugliest, most aesthetically
brutal soccer ever seen at a major tournament.
They made it out of their group on a tiebreak. They won their quarterfinal 1-0. They won their semifinal 1-0. They beat the hosts Portugal 1-0 in the final
to win that tournament. I’m just saying,
England…crazier things have happened.
Recommended for news junkies, those who hold on to hope while
masquerading as hard-hearted cynics, and lovers of 1-0 scorelines.*
Russia: The Russians will be favorites to emerge from Group A, which
has been dubbed by some as the “Group of Life,” since all four teams could
potentially progress—there are no giants, in other words; only mid-level teams. Be that as it may, I would personally be
surprised if the Russians failed to move on into the quarterfinals. Virtually all of their players ply their trade in the domestic Russian league, but many have extensive European tournament experience at the club level via the Champions' and Europa leagues.
In addition to that club experience, the Russians still have a core of players who took them to the
semifinals of the 2008 Euros in Austria and Switzerland: captain Andrei
Arshavin, ‘keeper Igor Akinfeev, and striker Roman Pavlyuchenko, to name three
of the more well-known, but all of them are aging and some of their bigger names have not impressed with their clubs this season.
The Russians may try to use their relative anonymity to
their advantage in the group stage as they recently did against Italy,
defeating the Azzurri 3-0 in their
final warm-up match. If they put in
three solid performances like that they'll be into the knockout stages.
They may be the darkest of dark horses, but if they top their group they
have a sliver of a chance. Recommended
for NCAA college basketball Cinderella lovers, Soviet apologists, and lovers of
the Slavic tongue.
That's it for those teams I rate as outside favorites down to dark horses. Tomorrow, it's everyone else, hopefully before kick off!
*this negative review of their chances is due to the fact that I really want England to do well, but am afraid to say so.
That's it for those teams I rate as outside favorites down to dark horses. Tomorrow, it's everyone else, hopefully before kick off!
*this negative review of their chances is due to the fact that I really want England to do well, but am afraid to say so.
