I love vampires. Books, movies, pretty much any medium you can imagine. Interview With the Vampire? Dynamite. Underworld? Kate Beckinsale in patent leather. Blade? Stephen Dorff gets killed by Wesley Snipes.

My point? Vampire stories melt my face.

The issue? You adolescent fuckers with your angst and target market appeal are ruining vampires.

First it was this Twilight business shaking up well-established vampire lore with your chiseled, day-walking, sparkly, lusty teenagers and their girlfriends. Now its this, and THIS, and a bunch of other infuriating crap I don't want to find right now because I'm busy ranting.

Vampires drink human blood, they burn up in the sunlight, you may or may not be able to kill them with a stake to the heart, and they most certainly don't suck. Leave my vampires alone, or I will fight you. Whoever YOU are...or is...whoever you is? No. We'll go over this grammar business later, but for now, just stay the fuck away from my vampires please.